Chapter 8

Delusion & Resilience: A packaged combo.

The problem you have isn’t a delusion of grandeur; it’s a delusion of insignificance.- Steve Maraboli

In the past, I’ve staunchly advocated against women, especially women of color, upholding the trope of durable and unwavering strength. The kind of strength that makes it permissible to endure the unthinkable while plastered with a baked goods smile. The brand of strength applauded with glee, but the applauder wouldn’t eagerly take on such a self-sacrificing role. Finally, the type of strength that is more of a disservice to self and morphed into a first-class ticket to a “people-pleasing villa.” But as I’ve said numerous times, maturation, experience, and life will shape your ideals and how you conceptualize the world and social constructs. My philosophy behind this concept has still rang true mostly but has matured into what I would like to believe is a more nuanced perspective. 

I understand ideas surrounding gender roles and norms are largely subjective, but I would hope that, at the least, all women have an inkling of the self-preservation trait. As the adage states, “How can you pour from an empty cup.” This quote can sound like fluff or a Facebook quote people posted as a profound message, but it doesn’t negate the ingenuous message. Ideally, I would love for women to “get it,” but not at the expense of extreme hardships or finally figuring out the “it” after a century of depletion in the name of strength, or even worse, leaving this earth just simply “strong.” I want women to capitalize on the brand of strength that is self-serving, how they see fit, and what is beneficial to them. Strength that is so exponential that it propels your life forward, and now you are living with ease, a free mind and a sense of autonomy. 

I’ve decided that my brand of strength is having the courage and audacity to live in somewhat of a delusional state. I don’t know if it’s turning forty, but it feels like the “I don’t give a fuck” has been infused with acid. Not “I don’t give a fuck” about my community or people, but I don’t give a fuck; I’m going to do this shit, and shit can be a variety of things. On the most common level, and what I assume most can resonate with, is the strength to walk away from relationships (romantic or platonic), jobs that bleed you dry, habits that you know don’t serve the higher version of yourself and establishing boundaries that can or will potentially piss people off. On an abstract level, my brand of strength has propelled me to think beyond the most basic primitive state aforementioned above. Akin to Malow’s Hierarchy of Needs, those lower needs have been met, so now I’m in the self-actualization phase, the phase, in my opinion, that takes the most delusional and resilient strength. 

 Pen to paper, these actions can sound like a simple task in theory, but I believe it’s easier said than done, evidence based on our actual lives, mine included. We can talk sturdy, but we cannot escape the human experience and all that comes with it; it takes strength, gumption, and tenacity, which often sounds like a textbook response but is nonetheless true. I’ve focused my brand of strength on getting comfortable with the uncomfortable to ultimately cultivate the life I want for myself. In hindsight, thinking back to moments of extreme distress or “weathering storms,” I didn’t feel strong per se; instead, I felt like my brain was being wired to believe, “She can take this; let’s add more.” It felt at times as if I was in a race at the endurance Olympics with so many other women, and the reward was a measly pat on the back. I alone don’t want any parts of this brand of resilience anymore. I’m greedily sitting on the delusional side of strength but with planted roots on a foundation of power surmised from ugly but needed life lessons. 

My brand of delusion and strength has equipped me with the capacity to have tough conversations with my father about needed cancer treatments he initially wanted to opt out of, to continual heart-to-heart moments with my mother on the importance of mental health, which tends to be a taboo topic for baby boomers. This phenomenon also looks like me being completely self-aware of who I am and what I value and fusing all possible components to express myself internally and externally. I believe everything is art in some form or fashion; we are walking embodiments of art, and how we view the world can be an act of art. I relish the process of creating myself as art in numerous ways. I value my body as a form because it represents strength, femininity, sensuality, and art. The pictures I take, the spaces I enmeshed myself in, my writing, my world of music, and how I decide to live this life are all uninhibited art forms. To live unabashedly without the need to overexplain, underexplain, or make agreeable is a conceptual embodiment of art, but it’s also delusional and an act of strength. What’s your brand? Let’s chat below!