Chapter 7

Happy New Year! Fresh Starts and Hopefully New Beginnings. 

Sometimes, a flame must level a forest to ash before new growth can begin. I believe Wonderland needed a scouring.” ― A.G. Howard

I often hear people bemoan the “new year, new me” mantras, energy, and symbolism, but I unequivocally welcome this representation of inventiveness. This is especially true after a respective season of what seemed like involuntary life lessons, obliteration, and moseying around a forest, not knowing which direction to go. I understand that necessary madness is vital for transformation and aligning with your highest version of self, but it doesn’t make it any easier. It doesn’t evade the tears, the confusion, the isolation that feels like infinite loneliness, or the iffy thoughts that can run amok in your psyche. But as the saying goes, ‘there’s no flowers without the rain”. 

My birthday passed, and I did something: I completed my first international solo trip. Since this birthday was a milestone celebration, I wanted to stamp this revelry with audacity, emboldened peace, inquisitiveness, and affirmation. This trip did so much for me internally, igniting a fire and thirst to continue pushing the limits independently. I had no concrete itinerary and wanted to flow wherever the wind took me. I didn’t want a controlled experiment; I just wanted to be a person in a natural habitat without any prompts. I drank tons of champagne & wine, ate incredible food, and met some cool ass people from across the globe. I wrote immensely while sunbathing nude on my balcony and sat with myself. I reflected on who I want to be in my paramount whole form and areas where I know I need to get this shit together. I thought of the principles, things I value, and the ugly truths I may have tried to hide from myself. I envisioned a life to live that I would be incalculably proud of and understood I could no longer hide from the extreme force that I am. It’s an experience I won’t take for granted and would highly recommend. I also left one of my library books, but it’s all part of the experience, lol. 

Celebrations and good times are easy to digest. Amid calm waters, you can quickly have an epiphany or experience a surge of creative inspiration. I felt on top of the world as if every imagination would come to fruition with the snap of my fingers. I consummated in my mind that the world is now ready for the sum of Keisha. The me that enjoys teetering the edge of sensual inappropriateness, cooccurring with quirks, ingenuity, idiosyncrasy, and intellectualism.  It is a seamless, interlaced process that denies the need to make any of these attributes palpable for human consumption. This is the beautiful part of the story until I arrive at my parent’s house on Christmas and find out my father was diagnosed with cancer.

To put it in print makes it real and something I had to come to terms with, which was not easy, to say the least. Within seconds, I felt like the world I have pungently worked at cultivating was caving in. I went from feeling like I could traverse the most profound death-defying terrains to feeling all alone. I felt alone trying to navigate feelings of immortality, the pendulum swing of emotions surrounding recovery & loss, and an annoying reminder that I’m my parent’s only child after the death of my brother. I felt so overwhelmed with emotions, and I could only cry and oddly watch mukbang videos for a slice of solace. I knew I had friends and family members I could rely on for support, but all I could think was, “That’s just during business hours.” I know it’s a bit offbeat, but I know, ultimately, I will have to put in the mental fortitude solely and consistently after the check-ins stop. 

So, instead of drawing to the worst-case scenario, I had to re-center myself and become present in the now. I had some remarkable friends speak life into me, speak grace and strength over my parents, and I decided that I had to keep going. I’ve had heartwarming conversations with my parents over the last few weeks and have chosen to lead with hope, recovery, and life. I intend not to placate myself in a faux-positive realm but instead put the energy into the universe I want to receive back tenfold. I allow myself to feel a range of emotions without judgment while permitting myself to be present and experience joy. I don’t take for granted every kind word, phone call, message, and vulnerable space I’ve shared with people during this time. You’ll are some pretty dope ass people. This new year will still be a mind-blowing and fucking formidable year. I wish everyone success, happiness, peace, and organized chaos! Let’s talk!