Chapter 3:

Hindsight & Therapy: “But I’m doing the work.”

There is no standard normal. Normal is subjective. There are seven billion versions of normal on this planet. -Matt Haig

I sometimes struggle to decide how much I want to divulge personally in these pieces for artistic openness. I want to protect some of the most sacred parts of myself while still exuding vulnerability and telling my truth through literary mediums. So, I have decided to tread a fine line between exposing snapshots of my personal experiences and hopefully stoking thought-provoking contemplations. 

As stated in my intro and previous posts, I feel like I’m going through such a revolutionary transformation on many levels, which I have welcomed earnestly. I would be highly disappointed, to say the least, had I traversed through this life without any hard lessons, faux pas, or what I like to call character development to guide me to my highest alignment. This transformation has come about through various conduits, whether from losing the wetness behind my ears, aka, getting older, or simply cultivating one too many “fuck ups” on this journey. But within the last few years, I largely owe this metamorphosis and “aha awakenings” to the chapter of trying to figure out romantic relationships post-divorce. Frankly, I don’t believe many of us have it figured out, no matter what box we check to describe our relationship status. I imagine many humanoids are tripping up along the way, paired with taught tradition, despite a gnawing gut feeling, and are simply patronizing romantic relationships for the sake of. 

I think love and relationships are a beautiful phenomenon, and we can’t debate social science regarding how love is a necessity for human evolution, longer life expectancy, and the intangible benefits we gain as a human race. But I would be remiss to say that this social construct of love should not come at a cost worth more than needed. Naturally, this is person-specific, as we decide individually what the price-to-value is for any given situation, whether we realize it or not. From experience, I’ve learned that once the cost rises exponentially beyond its value, I feel disrupted on many levels. Before starting my therapy journey, I would have liked to believe that I had embarked on a robust trip of mental wellness. I thought, well, Keisha, you advocate for mental health, you’re enlightened, and you indeed have a hefty student loan bill with a liberal arts degree to tout.  But it was only through experiencing a clusterfuck of toxicity that I realized my belief in who I was would not be enough to buffer the intense impact. 

The cost started to rise beyond an acceptable level once I started to feel like I lost the zest I once had. I was no longer pouring into myself with getting lost in my wide-ranging hobbies; I had unknowingly stopped challenging myself intellect-wise, whether it was no longer writing or trying to fumble and learn a new skill to increase my knowledge base. Sticking to a routine or establishing consistent discipline felt hard, which is one of my mainstays for creating stability. It felt like I constantly had to press an imaginary reset button each week to recalibrate. My nervous system often felt dysregulated; I would feel fatigued no matter how much rest I had gotten, and my typical daily frivolities seemed to pass me by unnoticed. I finally assessed that my life seemed engulfed with chaos, throes of joy & laughter, and a pervasive feeling of survival mode. This is a matter of perspective, but I knew my equilibrium was off deep down. I felt like parts of my softness were depleted, and I knew I had to return to my center. 

So, I committed myself to be intentional and embark on a journey that I knew would prove fruitful in so many intangible ways—a journey necessary for healing, unlearning, and introducing myself to the more unrestricted version of myself. I learned to show myself grace, practice immense gratitude, go through and not away from uncomfortable feelings, and be okay with the fire that can erupt inside me. I learned to fuse all of the best elements of my core, and I’m OK with the ones that still need fine-tuning. I have no desire to be perfect, but instead raw, fiery, harmonious, quirky, a bit of a villain, with layers of a sensual goddess. I can be everything! Shout out to healing and therapy! Let me know your thoughts below, and let’s chat.